Tambling joke

Nene:  Nay, pinatambling ako kanina sa school!

Nanay: Gaga! Gusto nila makita pantay mo!

Nene: Alam ko!  kaya nga tinago ko sa bag ko panty ko eh...



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Nakakadiring parusa

Ang text message na ito ay padala naman ni Nonoy ng Olongapo City

<h1>Bitay</h1>

Kung ikaw ay nabilanggo at kaingalan mong pumili ng pararusa para hindi ka bitayin ano ang pipiliin mo?

A) Iinom ng isang tasang plema ng may TB

B) Higupin ang isang tasang pnagsamang laman ng pigsa at nana.

C) gagawing kape at timmplahin ang isang kutsarang libag galing sa singit ng basketbolistang bombay.

D) papaki ang binilog na kulangot na sinalaki ng mansanas

E) gagawing parang mani ang 1/4 kilong na pnagsama samang langib ng sugat

F) Oh bitay nalang bilis, pili ka na!

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Funny Jingle Song Video by Santa

Funny Jingle Song Cartoons




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Uri ng motorsiklo ayon sa tunog

Nakakatuwa tong tao na ito dahil nagawa niyang pangalanan ang motorsiko sa pammagitan ng tunog dito.. tignan!!







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Encyclopedia

Encyclopedia

Pareng amping, di ako makapaniwala jan sa sinasabi nilang may volume daw ang encyclopedia sinubukan
ko ngayon sa volume one kasi sabi nila may volume eh. Eh di pinakinggan ko. Wala naman akong naririnig kahit na kunti. Eh di tinutok ko. Sinubukan ko naman ang volume 12 Aba'y wala pa ring natunog.. sabihin nilang may volumeang encyclopedia. Wala namang natunog. Magaling pa pag nagngangalit ang ipin ni apong eh may natunog habang natutulog. Yun .. yun ang may Volume!


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Malupit na tanong

Mga malulupit na nakakatawang tanong:

Katuwaan lang::

"Paano mo ako matitikman kung hindi mo ako huhubaran?"
   - SAGING

"Pano makakabuo kung hindi ako papatong sayo?
   - HALLOW BLOCKS

"Dilaan mo mun at lawayan para tumigas at mas madaling pumasok"
   - SINULID

"Bakit mo ako binibitin kung kelan kainitan at basang-basa ako?"
  - SINAMPAY

"Painitin mo ako..kailangan kong pumutok para ako'y matikman at ika'y masarapan"
  - POPCORN

  Oh ha.. good luck sa mga GREEN MINDED jan.. haha!

Up next: Bisaya Joke na question and Answer

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Tuklaw

Sa gubat umiihi si Juan....

Juan: pare natuklaw ng cobra ang titi ko... Tulong!!!!

Pedro: Tatawag ako sa doktor..

        (kuha ng cp)

Doc, natuklaw ng cobra ang kaibigan ko, anong gagawin?

Doc: Sipsipin mo ang dugo kung saan natuklaw ang kaibigan mo..

Juan: Anong sabi ng doktor?

Pedro: Mamatay ka na, tang ina moh!!

Ha ha ha!! ayaw ni Pedro..

More titi jokes

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MGA BAGONG MOTTO

What is beauty if kili kili is dirty?

Aanhin ang FB kung friends ay 30

Time is gold when watching bold

"MOTTO NG PANGET"

What is beauty if brain is empty?

BANAT NG MAGAGANDA:

What is brain is face is garbaged?

"MOTTO OF THE YEAR"

Ang taong panget sa edit kumakapit

TAMA??

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Another Visayan Joke

Malamig ang gabi ng naglalakad si itay sa napakadilim na eskinita ng biglang may  narinig siya na mga katagang tila SUMPA:

"NUMU NING TAIN YO WITAN MAYN ANGKA
TAMAKO HAMISANG YUHA TI UNGA NGAAYWA NANGPA IT NUNMU NING TAIN YO"

Halos mabaliw siya ng marinig niya yun... lalo na ng makita niya sa sulok ang isan.....

Bungi ga ni kant ug gud.....

Joke sender: 639462896594
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Joke Time

Somebody sent a text joke in Visayan Language..

Asa may hait

Nginpo o LOBOT?

TUBAG:


LOBO

- ngano man?

Kay ang LOBOT makapotul og TOBOL. Ikaw kony putol og TOBOL ngipon gamitin lalim ba?

Nyahaha!!

Joke sender: 639462896594

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Panawagan sa itay!

Girl: Manong tulungan nyo po ako!

Manong: Bakit? Anong nangyari?

Girl: Nawawala po si Itay ko. galing kaming probinsya.

Manong: Sige, pero sumama ka muna sa akin,

    ( .... Dinala sa motel ang girl)

Manong: Hubarin mo ang pants ko.

Girl. Sige po.

Manong: Hawakan mo ari ko at ilapit mo sa bibig mo.

Girl: Ganito po?

Manong: Oo, alam mo na gagawin mo?

Girl: Opo!

Manong: Sige gawin mo na.

Girl: NANAWAGAN PO AKO SA TATAY KO. ITAY KUNG ASAN KA MAN UMUWI KA NA!

 ha ha ha! akala mo manong makakaisa ka na ha! Ang kati mo para kang hitad na green sa puno ng kamatchili! nyahaha!!

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Tanga joke

Boy: tanggalin ko na ba tong damit mo?

Girl: Oo, pati pantalon!

Boy: Eh tong bra mo?

Girl: Ol! Sige! Bilisan mo na!

Boy: Pati ba tong panty mo?

Girl: Bwisit ka! Kulit mo! Tanong ng tanong!Natural tanggalin mo lahat ng andiyan sa sampayan at ayan na ang ulan! TANGA NITO!

OH HA MGA GREEN MINDED JAN.. AKALA NYO KUNG ANO NA NOH? HAHAHA..

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Amo at inday sa restaurant

Sa restaurant..

Waiter: ano po ang order nila Ma'am?

Amo: Yung whole roasted chicken meal nalang. Ikaw inday, ano order mo?

Inday: I would like a dish of sauted pork in chicken boiled in thick essence of soysauce and veggies, like cauliflower, carrots and baguio beans, sprinkled generously wid fine spices and spring onion.

Amo: Bigyan mo raw ng chopsuey tong abnormal na to! Vetsinan mo na din ng marami ng mamatay na!

Ha ha ha..di ko alam kung nabadtrip yung amo dahil tinalo na naman siya ni Inday eh. haha

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Pick up lines basagan ng trip jokes

Pick up lines sa text..

Boy: kandila ka ba?

Girl: hindi bakit?

Boy: kasi ang ganda mo sa dilim. Sa dilim lang ha!

Girl: Ikaw? Kandila ka din ba?

Boy: Hindi rin, bakit?

Girl: Hipan sana kita para mamatay ka na eh...

Ha ha ha.. swak swak ang okray ni girllie!! ha ha ha go go go...

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Famouse chinese names jokes

Famouse chinese names:

Born during the night:
  - Andy Lim  (andilim)

Born blnd
  -  Kenneth Sy   (cannot see)

Born Fat
  - Bob Uy    (Baboy)

Born tiny
  - Kathy Ting  (katiting)

Born different
  - Eva Yan   (iba yan)

Born on sunday
  - Lyn Go   (linggo)

Born with picture
  - Lara Wan

Born with sweets
  - ken Di

Born secretly
  - Tina Go  (tinago)

Born maniac
  - Hayden Kho

Born normal
  - Nat Ting Wrong (nothing wrong)

Born abnormal
  - Sam Ting Wrong  (something wrong)

Born ugly
  - Eddie Yu  (edi you

Born  cute
   - Mi Yun  (mi yun)

Kuha nyo ba ang jokes na ito?? ha ha ha.. Go send mo na sa mga friends mo..heheeh..

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text jokes

Ang bolero masarap ka text...

Ang tahimik makulit ka text

Ang two timer malandi sa text

Ang stick to one mataray ka text

At syempre ang cutie...
Eto nagtetext

Ang pangit...

Eto nagbabasa ng text!!

hahaha.. ipasa mo para makaganti ka din.

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Dugyot

Anong sabi ng kulangot sa sipon ? – manigas ka !

Anong sabi ng utot sa tae ? – pare , una na ‘ko .

Anong sabi ng tae sa kapwa tae ? – mga tsong , dahan – dahan lang wala namang tulakan.

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Papapansin kay sir joke

Lakas ng tawa ko dito promise!


ang pogi ni sir,
anu kaya ang gagawin
ko para mapansin nia akuh?
ahh!! alam ko na!!
ilalagay ko sa mesa ang panty kuh..

Sir: kaninong panty ito?

girl: akin po (kilig xia)

Sir: may tae…

ouch.. laking pahiya nun

Makating asawa

Hinalik-halikan ni mister nang buong lambing ang balikat ni misis…
MISTER: Hon, sige na…
MISIS: Bumabagyo!
MISTER: Ayaw mo ‘yun, malamig?!
MISIS: Tanga! Hindi ka na nahiya?! Maraming tao dito sa evacuation center!


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Dalawang Tanga

Tanga 1 : Ano ang hinahanap mo diyan sa supot ng 3-in-1 coffee ? Kanina ka pa silip ng silip diyan .

Tanga 2 : Hinahanap ko yung libreng asukal nakasulat kasi sa karton “ sugar free “

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ang baboy o ako

Nanay:  Ang lakas mo kumain pero di ka mautusan. Ang kapal mo din naman ano ha?
Anak :  Kapag yung baboy natin ang malakas kumain tuwang tuwa ka.. Sinoba talaga ang anak mo..ako o yung baboy?? 'Nay umayos nga kayo!


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Okrayan sa jeep

Estudyante: mama bayad hoh!

Drayber: saan galling?

Estudyante: sa akin!

Drayber: (gago to ah) saan papunta?

Estudyante: e di sau! Tanga!

PART 2

Estudyante: mama sukli ko hoh!

(drayber gusting maghiganti…pinigyan nya ng kulang na sukli…)

Estudyante: o manong, bakit kulang to? Magkano ba Quiapo?

Drayber: bakit? Bibilhin moh?

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Payabangan ng mga lola

Isa ito sa mga favorite kong joke na pinasa sa akin ni Rachel....

Lola 1:  Sakit ng mga mata ko. Kalalaro ko lang ng DOTA.

Lola 2: Ako nga ang sakit pa ng katawan ko eh..ang hirap ng step namin. Cramping.

Lola 3: O sya sya, dyan muna kayo, gagamutin ko lang muna hita ko.

Lola 2: Napapanu ka?

Lola 3: HAZING kanina..nagpaPADEL ako.

hahaha!!

Angas di ba??


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Demanding na pulubi

Sa isang bakery...

Batang Pulubi: Ate, palimos po… Dalawang pirasong chocolate cake at isang slice bread.

Tindera: Aba, sosyal ka ha. Nanglilimos ka lng pero may special request pa. Ano ka, sineswerte?!

Batang Pulubi: Haleerrr…. Birthday ko kc ngayon!!



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Payabangan sa Jeep

Payabangan sa Jeep!

Girl: Bayad…

Driver: Ilan tong 50?

Girl: Isa lang kuya, Estudyante, Nursing sa Ateneo, Kasasakay lang

Boy: (Nayabangan. Nagbayad ng 500) Manong Bayad..

Driver: (Galit) Ilan tong 500?

Boy: 1 lang, Keep the change. Seaman, Kadarating lang.

Sira Ulo: (Tumawa, Inabot ang 1000) Manong Bayad…

Driver: (Galit na galit) Peste! Ilan tong 1000?

Sira Ulo: Tatlo, Isama ang Nurse at Seaman. Keep the change. Galing Mental kalalabas lang.


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Makwentang nanay..

Anak: Ma hihingi po ako ng 50 pesos

Mother: 40 pesos? ang laki naman ng 30 pesos! aanhin mo ba ang 20 pesos? Akala mo madaling kumita ng 10 pesos? o heto 5 pesos.


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Patigasan ng ulo contest

Juan, Pedro, Kiko.

Sa isang building na 50 palapag pag gaganapan ang isang laban na pinamagatang patigasan ng ulo.

Announcer: kiko tumalon ka na!

Kiko: okey!
(Blaggggggg)

Announcer: basag ulo talo!
pedro Talon!

Pedro: okey!
(pagaaaaaak)

Announcer: Patay basag ulo Talo!
Juan talon!

juan: ayoko

Annuncer: talon na!

juan: ayoko nga!

Announcer: talon na sabi eh

juan: ayoko sabi!

Annoucer: panalo si juan ang tigas ng ulo!!


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Baliw patigasan ng itits joke

may isang baliw na nang-hostage ng tatlong lalake...

BALIW: papakawalan ko lang kayo kapag 15 inches pataas ang combined na haba ng titi ninyong tatlo

nilabas ni lalake 1 ang titi. 6 inches

nilabas ni lalake 2 ang titi. 8 inches

nilabas ni lalake 3 ang titi. 1 inch

BALIW: umabot kayo sa 15 inches. papawalan ko na kayo

nang makawala na ang tatlo

LALAKE 3: kinabahan ba kayo?

LALAKE 1 & 2: oo, muntikan nang hindi tayo umabot

LALAKE 3: buti na lang tinigasan ako



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Mayabang na japanese joke

A Japanese rides a taxi going to the airport. Along the way, he saw an Isuzu truck

Japanese: Ooh..Isuzu truck, made in Japan. Very fast to run ehh!? (Taxi driver nodding)

Again, the Japanese saw a fast Toyota car..

Japanese: Oooh..Toyota car, made in Japan. Very fast to run!!

Taxi Driver: (whispering) yabang mo..

Japanese again saw a Honda sports car..

Japanese: Ooooh…Oooh.. Honda sports car ehh?!! Made in Japan, very fast run!

Taxi arrives at the airport..

Japanese: How much?

Taxi Driver: 2500 Pesos sir.

Japanese: Ha?!? Very big!!

Taxi Driver: Ahhh, my Taxi Meter, made in Japan.. Very fast to run!!


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Tom Jones Syndrome joke

This guy goes to see his doctor. "Doc," he says, "I've got a problem, every minute of every day I've got that old song, Delilah, running through my head. I catch myself humming it and sometimes singing it in public places. My wife says I even sing it in my sleep, it's driving her nuts. What is the matter with me?"

The doctor replies, "Sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome to me."

"Is it a rare disorder?" the guy asks.

The doctor answers, "It's not unusual.."


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Miss Universe Question and Answer Joke

Miss Universe Question and Answer Joke

Pageant Night Miss Universe Beauty Pageant Q & A Portion
The FINALISTS :

Miss America
Miss Spain
Miss Britain
Miss Philippines
Miss Iran
Miss India
Miss Japan

QUESTION : Ms. America, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MS. AMERICA : Well, I would say that male organs in America are like gentlemen.
QUESTION : Why do you say that?
MS. AMERICA : Because it stands everytime it sees a woman.....

(Applause!.... Applause!)

QUESTION : Ms. Spain, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MS. SPAIN : Male organs in our country are like toros in our very own bullfight.
QUESTION : Why do you say that?
MS. SPAIN : Because it charges everytime it sees an opening.

(Applause!... Applause!)

QUESTION : Ms. Britain, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MS. BRITAIN : Male organs in our country are like Shakespearian actors and Heroes.
QUESTION : Why do you say that?
MS. BRITAIN : Because it cries after every performance and because it is buried alive.

(Applause!... Applause!)

QUESTION : Ms. Iran, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MS. IRAN : Well, I can say that male organs in Iran are like thieves
QUESTION : And why do you say that?
MS. IRAN : Because they always enter through the back door.....

(Applause!... Applause!)

QUESTION : Ms. India, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MS. INDIA : Well, I can say that a male organ in India is like a labourer.
QUESTION : Why do you say that?
MS. INDIA : Because it works day and night....

(Applause!..Applause!)

QUESTION : Ms. Japan, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MISS JAPAN: It's like an actor in a stage play....because it bows down after every performance.

(Applause!..Applause!)

QUESTION : Ms. Philippines, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MS. PHILIPPINES : Ahh...well, opcors, hihihihi...I can say dat male organs in our country are like chismis...
QUESTION : Chismis???
MS. PHILIPPINES : Ayy! Sorry... Its ano, ahh kuwan...it means GOSSIP in our language.
QUESTION : Hmm... Interesting comparison. And why do you say that?
MS.PHILIPPINES : Ayy...Dyahe!!!!Hi hi hi hi hi hi...Kasi....I mean because it passes from mouth to mouth..

(STANDING OVATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Next >> joke with Q & A funny answers

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Debate of Erap and Meriam...

The most intelligent "presidentiable", Miriam Santiago, has challenged the least intelligent presidentiable to a televised
debate.
To make things interesting, Miriam says that every time she asks Erap a question which he cannot answer, Erap has to pay Miriam five pesos. BUT if Erap asks Miriam a question which she cannot answer, Miriam has to giveErap five thousand pesos.

Miriam asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Erap doesn't say a word, reaches for his wallet, pulls out a five-peso bill and hands it to Miriam.

Now, it's his turn. He asks Miriam: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" Miriam looks at him with a puzzled look.
She whips out her laptop computer and searches all her references. She taps into the phone with her modem and searches the Net. Frustrated, she sends E-mails to all her aides, assistants, and friends. All to no avail.

After over an hour, she admits defeat and hands Erap five 1000-peso bills. Erap says nothing, but politely accepts the Ps5,000 and turns away to go home.

Miriam is a poor sport and demands from Erap, "Well, so what IS the answer!?"

Without a word, Erap pulls out his wallet and gives Miriam another five pesos....







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Gay secret relationship

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how handsome John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of Johns' sexual orientation and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mark and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Mark came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Mark, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Mark. But the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

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Milanie Marquez Hilarious Qoutes

Melanie Marquez funny interview

The Best Melanie Marquez Quotes Here're some actual quotes from Melanie Marquez, the former Miss International, also a self confessed Madame Malaprop.

I won't stoop down to my level.

Hello? Bulag ka ba? Bingi ka ba? Are you dep?

My brother is not a girl; he's a gentleman.

That's why I'm a success, it's because I don't middle in other
people's lives.

Don't judge my brother; he's not a book.

Kapatid ko pa rin siya. We are one and the same.

Bakit ang dami mong tanong? You're so questionable.

I don't eat meat. I'm not a carnival.


Yung STD, baka sa maruming toilet lang niya nakuha yan.

Eh, ikaw ba naman, durugin ang ari mo... Pag di ka naman manutok ng baril.

We are lovers, not fighters.

Eto na po ang pinakamaligayang pasko at manigong
taon sa inyong lahat. (during her acceptance speech at a Metro Filmfest awards
night where her bioflick, directed by her late father Temyong Marquez, won an award)

Ang tatay ko ang only living legend na buhay!

Period na talaga; wala nang exclamation point.

Melanie Marquez

(when asked on S-Files if her present husband, Adam Lawyer, is her Mr. Right)

(at a talk show after her break-up with Derek Dee,Melanie was asked if she had some words for Derek's mother, whom she partly blamed for the separation) "O o nga," said Melanie, "pero i-English-in ko para maintindihan niya." She looked into the camera and, with the peremptoriness of royalty, said, "And to you, Mrs Dee, I have two words for you. Ang labo mo!"

Sumasakit ang migraine ko.

(when asked for a message to her daughter who was allegedly abused by their houseboy) "Don't worry little angel, big angel is here."

(on what they should do to the houseboy who molested her kid) "He
should be put behind bar!"

"You can fool me once, you can even fool me twice, you can even fool me thrice. But you can never fool me four!"

(while waiting backstage during a noon time show, after watching Nikki Valdez do her dance number) "Nikki, you're so galing. You should go to the States. You will sell hotcakes!"

ATE LUDS: "Paano ka nag-susurvive sa mga trials mo?" "Alam mo Ate Ludz, you know, when you are alone, you really have to istep your foot...ah ,forward!"

Eddie Mercado: "Angie Dickinson has insured her legs for a million dollars, would you also do the same?"
Melanie: "No, of course no, because I am proud and contented with my long-legged." With this answer, she bagged the crown and eventually won the Miss International in 1978.

(while she's in Morning Girls With Kris & Korina promoting her movie with Aleck Bovick)
"Please watch "Hiram" starring Aleck Baldwin, and myself. It's director by Romy Suzara.

Hindi ba kayo naawa sa kapatid ko... sa mga kwento nya? Di ba kayo na-persuave ng mga kinwento nya?"

"Hindi si Joey ang tipong mambubugbog ng babae...talaga lang malapit sya sa mga gulo... pro-accident kasi sya eh..."

Boy Abunda: O, Melanie, paano na ang showbiz career mo ngayong nagmo-Mormon ka na?
Melanie: Ah okay lang yan Boy, kasi matagal na rin akong semi-retarded..

Oh ano laban ka pa kay Miss Milanie?? haha...

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GMA joke

PGMA  (President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo) and  her family riding an airplane

PGMA: What if I throw one check worth a million pesos out of the window to make at least one pilipino happy?

Mike Arroyo : Honey, why not throw two checks worth half a million pesos to make two pilipinos happy?

Luli Arroyo: Mom, why not throw four checks worth quarter of a million to make four pilipinos happy?

Finally her granddaughter spoke: Grandma why not simply throw yourself out of the window to make all pilipinos happy?

PGMA: Ganun?!

HA HA HA!

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American Joke

American : is that an apple you are eating ?

Filipino: Yes.

American : you know, in america only poor people eat an apple.

Filipino: oh really? is that a banana you are eating ?

American: yes.

Filipino : you know, here in Philippines only Monkeys eat bananas

Not a filipino and can't relate? Please use the google translator on the upper right side of this page.

Gay in heaven

There were these two friends, one who was gay, who died in a horrible car accident. They both went to heaven and were standing at the pearly gates when St. Peter met them.

St. Peter asked the first man for a picture of his wife. After looking at the picture, St. Peter asked him if he had ever cheated on her.

The man replied, "I was unfaithful to my wife one time."

St. Peter decided to give the man a station-wagon for him to drive around heaven.

Now it was the second man's turn.

St. Peter asked him for a picture of his wife and then asked if he had ever cheated on her.

The man replied, "Actually I'm gay, but here's a picture of my lover, and I never cheated on him."

St. Peter was very impressed and decided to give the man a Ferrari to drive around heaven.

After a few months in heaven, the two friends met up with each other. The second man was bragging about his Ferrari when the other turned to him and said, "I wouldn't be bragging if I were you. I just saw your lover on a skateboard." 

Not a filipino and can't relate? Please use the google translator on the upper right side of this page.

>>>We have more Jokes here!<<<

Tom Jones Syndrome
American Joke
Text Jokes
CAll Center ni Erap
Magpinoy Henyo Tayo!
The Nun Joke
Teacher and Student Joke
Ulam ni Boy

What's the name of your dick?

This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck," he says, "I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?"

The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called 'Nike,' for the slogan, 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his 'Snickers,' because 'It really Satisfies."

The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. The customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?"

The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."

The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?"

The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!"

A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call your penis?"

The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because 'Quality is Job 1.' " Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"

Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is 'Secret.' Now give me my beer."

The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why secret?"

The customer says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!" 





Not a filipino and can't relate? Please use the google translaSave Nowtor on the upper right side of this page.

Assasin ni Erap

During one of Erap's Campaign rally for his presidency, Erap was delivering his speech when suddenly an assassin tried to come near to him and kill him. Fortunately his bodyguards saw the man and mauled him, but when Erap saw this, being "makamasa" he stopped his bodyguards.

Erap: "Itigil n'yo yan", huwag n'yo s'yang saktan".
Bodyguard: " Boss, gusto kang patayin nito"
Erap: "Halika lumapit ka dito" (calling the assasin), bakit gusto mo akong patayin, at paano mo akong papatayin?"
Assassin: "Pasensya na po kayo, napag-utusan lang po ako".
Erap: "Paano mo naman akong papatayin?" "Sa dami ng tao dito, babarilin mo ba ako o sasaksakin?"
Assassin: "Hindi po, iinjection ko po sana itong syringe sa inyo na punong-puno ng dugo na infected ng AIDS virus".
Erap: "A ganoon ba, o sige iinjection mo sa akin (offering his shoulder), para hindi ka patayin ng nag-utos sa iyo."

Everybody was stunned by Erap's action.

Erap: "O sige humayo ka na, at huwag ka ng gagawa ng masama".

Bodyguard: "Boss, Bakit n'yo ginawa iyon, baka mamatay kayo"

Erap: (whispering to his bodyguard) "Akala n'ya naisahan n'ya ako, hindi niya alam na nakasuot ako ngayon ng CONDOM".




Not a filipino and can't relate? Please use the google translator on the upper right side of this page.

Call center ni Erap Joke

call joke

A cub reporter was complaining about the President's accessibility to the media. Talking to another veteran mediaman, he said it is harder now to get through the President compared to those days when he was still Mayor, Senator and even Vice President.

The mediaman said, "Pare, hindi totoo yan! In fact they have installed a very sophisticated telephone system over at Malacanang. All you need to dois lift the handset and presto you can talk to the President anytime."

"Really?" said the amused reporter and hurriedly ended the conversation. "O, sigue pare, thank you sa tip ha? Tatawag na kaagad ako sa Presidente!"

And so the reporter got hold of a telephone and dialed the Malacanang number, and this is what he heard:

"GOOD MORNING, YOU HAVE REACHED THE OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENT. IF YOU WISH TO TALK TO HIM IN TAGALOG, PLEASE PRESS 1. IF YOU WANT TO TALK TO HIM IN FILIPINO, PLEASE PRESS 2. IF YOU INSIST ON TALKING TO HIM IN ENGLISH, PLEASE HANG UP AND DON'T CALL AGAIN!"

That didn't dampen the spirit of the persistent reporter. He dialed the number again and followed the instruction by pressing 1 (for Tagalog), and this is what he heard:

MAGANDANG UMAGA PO, ANG INYONG TAWAG AY NAKARATING SA TANGGAPAN NG PANGULONG ERAP. SA KASAWIANG PALAD, SIYA AY KASALUKUYAN PANG NATUTULOG. KUNG MAYROON KAYONG IBANG NAIS MAKAUSAP, SUNDIN ANG MGA SUMUSUNOD: "PINDUTIN ANG ISA PARA SA UNANG ASAWA, PINDUTIN ANG DALAWA PARA SA PANGALAWANG ASAWA, AT PINDUTIN ANG TATLO KUNG MAYROON KAYONG MAIRE-REKOMENDA!"










Not a filipino and can't relate? Please use the google translator on the upper right side of this page.

Bobo!

Pedro: pare may nakalimutan ako. . .

Juan: anu un?



.
Pedro: bobo kba? nakalimutan ko nga eh.










Not a filipino and can't relate? Please use the google translator on the upper right side of this page.

Ugly Princess Joke

Once upon a time,There was an ugly princess. Nabuntis siya 


ng isang poging lalaki.



BOY: Will you marry me?



UGLY PRINCESS: No.



And the boy lived happily ever after.



Ambisyosang palaka! haha




Not a filipino and can't relate? Please use the google translator on the upper right side of this page.

Moral lesson Joke

My gf invited me to her house. I found her sister alone in the house, she was 


unbelievably sexy and whispered in my ear "I 've feelings for you, shall we have 


sex ?"

I immediately turned around and walked to the front door to go to my car.

I found my gf standing there , she hugged me & said "You 've won my trust"

...Moral : "Always keep ur condoms in the car or bike" xD

"Hit the Like if you 're totally agree the moral"










Not a filipino and can't relate? Please use the google translator on the upper right side of this page.

7 inches Penis..

A gorgeous lady was sitin alone n a bar.

Guy: Hi there!

The lady ignored him.

Guy: You caught my lotion as I enter The bar, is it okay to get your number?

Lady:I f u have a BMW, a house and Boracay, millions of peso bank account and 7 inches penis, then you can get number. But I guess you don't have it so the answer is NO!

Guy: I don't have all those, I just have FERRARI, and island in Palawan, billion dollar bank account and excuse me, I WONT CUT MY 2 INCHES PENIS JUST FOR YOUR NUMBER!


>>> We Have more Jokes here!<<<


What's the name of your dick?
Blue book gay lingo
Mga Bagong Motto
Ugly Princess Jokes
Filipino Freelancers Jokes
Antaray ni Inday!
Delagates
Ang Pinya

Meeting ni Erap Joke

pinoy short jokes about meeting

Humahangos ang aid ni Erap dahil huli na ito sa meeting.

Aide: Sir, pasensya na kayo. Nag-brownout kasi habang papunta ako rito at na-stuck ako sa  ESCALATOR nang dalawang oras.



Erap: Ibig mong sabihin, dalawang oras kang nakatayo roon habang naghihintay ka ng koryente?



Aide: ganon na nga po.

Erap: Bobo! Tanga! Estupido! Hunghang! bakit hindi ka man lang umupo???!!!

Not a filipino and can't relate? Please use the google translator on the upper right side of this page.

>>>Marami pa kaming jokes dito mga mare at dre:<<<

GMA Joke

Uri ng Motorsiklo at tunog

Tuklaw

Encyclopedia

Malupit na Tanong

Dugyot

Makwentang Nanay

Payabangan sa Jeep

Boy Kilig

Girl: Malamig cguro ang labi mo.



Boy: (kinikilig) hndi ah, Baket?

Girl: Nagyeyelo kc ang ngipin mo!

awwww...asar talo!!  





feeling ka masyado ha! ha ha ha ha!








Not a filipino and can't relate? Please use the google translator on the upper right side of this page.

Michael Jackson Funny Gag Vid

Akalain mo oh si Michael Jackson marunong palang magtagalog??

He he he.awwwwwww!!













Not a filipino and can't relate? Please use the google translator on the upper right side of this page.

Magpinoy Henyo tayo...

Ewan ko lang kung napanuod na ninyo itong isang part ng joke ni Michael V sa Bubble Gang..kakatuwa talaga to...












Not a filipino and can't relate? Please use the google translator on the upper right side of this page.

May ketong

Doctor Jokes

Doktor: "Mrs. ano daw po ba ang sakit ng anak ninyo?"

Mrs.: May ketong daw po.

In-examine ng doktor ang balat ng pasyente. Wala siyang makitang senyales ng ketong. Tumawag pa siya ng isang Dermatologist para mag-examine nang husto. Wala talaga.

Funny Doctor Check up

Doktor: "Mrs. sigurado po ba kayong ketong ang Sakit ng bata?"

Mrs.: "Eh iyon po ang sabi ng doktor niya dati. Mataas daw po ang ketong sa ihi dahil may diabetes."

Doktor: "Ah ketone po yon! (Ang positive ketone sa Ihi ay senyales ng kumplikasyon ng diabetes.)

Ultraman, where are you when Tsunami hit Japan???

These are my funny image collection...

Ultraman, where are you when Tsunami hit Japan???

Funny image of  Ultraman

Not a filipino and can't relate? Please use the google translator on the upper right side of this page.

Voicemail sa langit?

Angel Funny pose

Ano kaya ang mangyayari kung ang Diyos ay naglagay ng Voice mail kapag tayo ay magdadasal sa kanya?

Salamat sa pagtawag sa langit.


Para sa Ingles pindutin ang 1
Para sa mga Espanyol pindutin ang 2
Para sa lahat ng iba pang mga wika, pindutin ang 3

Mangyaring pumili ng isa sa mga sumusunod na pagpipilian:
Pindutin ang 1 para sa kahilingan
Pindutin ang 2 para sa pagpapasalamat
Pindutin ang 3 para sa mga reklamo
Pindutin ang 4 para sa lahat ng iba

Ikinalulungkot ko, ang lahat ng aming mga anghel at mga Santo ay abala sa pagtulong sa iba pang makasalanan ngayon. Gayunpaman, ang iyongpanalangin ay mahalaga sa amin at ito'y amin sasagutin kapag itoy natanggap na namin.  Mangyari lamang na manatili sa linya.

Kung nais mo na makipag-usap sa:

Diyos, pindutin ang 1
Si Jesus, pindutin ang 2
Banal na espiritu, pindutin ang 3

Upang mahanap ang isang minamahal na itinalaga sa langit pindutin ang 5, pagkatapos ay ipasok ang kanyang social security # sundan ng  pound sign.

(Kung nakatanggap ka ng isang negatibong tugon, paki-hang up at i-dial ang area code 666)

Para sa pagpapareserba sa langit, mangyaring ipasok ang John sundan ng  mga numerong, 3 16.

Para sa mga sagot sa mga mapag-angil na mga katanungan tungkol sa mga dinosaurs, buhay at iba pang mga planeta, mangyaring maghintay hanggang dumating ka sa langit para sa mga pagtutukoy.

Nakita sa aming mga computer na ikaw ay nagdasal sa araw na ito, paki-hang up at tumawag muli bukas.

Ang Opisina ay sarado na ngayon at para sa katapusan ng linggo upang obserbahan ang relihiyosong araw.

Kung ikaw ay tatawag matapos ang mga oras at kailangan emerhensiyang tulong, mangyaring makipag-ugnayan sa iyong lokal na pastor.

Salamat sa iyo at magkaroon ng isang mabuting araw.


English translated:

Angel funny playing guitar pose

Thank you for calling heaven.

For English press 1
For Spanish press 2
For all other languages, press 3

Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for request
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for all others

I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.

If you would like to speak to:

God, press 1
Jesus, press 2
Holy spirit, press 3

To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter his social security # followed by the pound sign.

(If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code 666)

For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers, 3 16.

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other planets, please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.

Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please hang up and call again tomorrow.

The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.

If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.

Thank you and have a heavenly day.

Not a filipino and can't relate? Please use the google translator on the upper right side of this page.

Ulam joke

Mangga with Bagoong

Intoy: Ano ulam nyo?


Pugo: Blanched leafy vegie with crushed sweet tomato in sparkling salted seafood!


Intoy: Wow! Ang Sarap naman nun! Ano yun?


Pugo: Talbos ng kamote at bagoong na may pinisang kamatis. Kayo anong ulam nyo??

tuyo with kamatis

Intoy: Fish Fillet De El Nino.


Pugo: Sosyal! Ano yun??


Intoy: Tuyo pare..


har har har!! :P






Not a filipino and can't relate? Please use the google translator on the upper right side of this page.

Lola

Isang gabi, may lalaking nasiraan ng kotse sa isang liblib na bayan.

Grandma Joke

Sa tapat ng sementeryo may puno ng balete.

Lola Funk

My lumapit na matandang babae may binebentang isang libro sa halagang Php2000

Namahalan siya pero napilitan siyang bilihin dahil sa takot.

Sabi ng matanda. "WAG MONG TITIGNAN ANG HULING PAHINA KUNDI MAGSISISI KA!!"

Tapos nawala ang matanda! Umandara ang kotse. Sa bahay di siya makatulog. kinuha niya ang libro, at tinignan ang huling pahina.

Nakasulat:

NATIONAL BOOKSTORE Php39.50




Not a filipino and can't relate? Please use the google translator on the upper right side of this page.

Short jokes

. Boy and girl in bed:

Boy : Is this your first time?

Girl: Oo naman! Why do you guys always ask the same question?

2. Three guys were introduced to a girl:

" Hi, I'm Peter, not a saint!"

" I'm Paul, not a pope."

"I'm John, not a baptist."

The girl gladly replies, "Hi, I'm Mary, not a virgin!"

3. A playboy died. During his funeral mass:

Priest: He's an honest guy, a good man, a family man!

Wife (whispers to her son): Anak, silipin mo nga ang kabaong. Baka hindi mo tatay ang nan dyan.

Do you want more tagalog text jokes?

Not a filipino and can't relate? Please use the google translator on the upper right side of this page.

The Filipino freelancer Joke

Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence. One from the Philippines, another from Mexico and an American. They went with a White House official to examine the fence. 

The American contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works out some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says. "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Mexican contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

Madre

    - May dalawang madre na hinahabol ng rapist hanggang umabot sila sa isang kanto...

Madre 1: Sister dun ka sa kaliwa ako nalng papahabol!

The Nun Joke

A NUN rides a taxi.

TAXI DRIVER: Sister it s always my dream to kiss a NUN. Can u grant my wish?

NUN: Ok but first you should be catholic and second you have to be single.

TAXI DRIVER: I am both catholic and still single.

Funny

hey guys just want to share the jokes derived at funsms dat net

*Girl: Im like a radio,my mouth spkr,my left breast
tuner, right 1 volume. Man:Can I try?(touches d
breats)-no sound. Girl:U havent plugged in yet!

Ulam ni boy

Boy: Nay may ulam ba?

Nanay: Tignan mo na lang dyan sa ref, anak.

Boy: Eh wala naman tayong ref, di ba?

Lolo (grandfather Joke)

Lola: Apo, magtago ka, andyan yung teacher mo. Diba sinabi mo aabsent ka??

Apo: Hala! Lolo, kaw din magtago ka!

Lolo: Bakit?

Apo: Sabi ko  kasi...namatay ka kaya ako nag absent eh...


ha ha ha...







Not a filipino and can't relate? Please use the google translator on the upper right side of this page.

Sino si Jose Rizal Joke

Teacher: Sino si Jose Rizal?

  Nanahimik ang buong klase. Wala ni isa ang nagtaas ng kamay, hanggang sa naiinis is Pedro at sinabing...

Pedro: Baka naman sa ibang section sya Ma'am...


He he he...

Not a filipino and can't relate? Please use the google translator on the upper right side of this page.

Jejemon Jokes and meanings

Jejemon word translation

Jejemon word translation is a translation where words are being distort so that it will have a different look but still same meaning.

Jejemon words are hard to understand by others depend on its level of being Jeje word. There are for beginner, intermediate and expert level.

Examples/List of Jeje Quotes (From Internet):

• 
  
  He he he  = jejeje.. jejo: awk0wz z jeij0wz.. ajejejeje.. =)) =)) =))
• Great = Gr8
  Wait  = w8
  later = l8r
  
  
  
  
  Jejemon Joke
  
  
  NP Presidential candidate Manny Villar says he violated no law. Maybe his opponents are just jejemonizing him. :p
  
  
  jejemon sa eleksyon
  
  
  “May tumatakbo palang jejemon sa eleksiyon. Si Jejemon Binay.”
  
  
  
  
  
  

Not a filipino and can't relate? Please use the google translator on the upper right side of this page.