Demanding na pulubi

Sa isang bakery...

Batang Pulubi: Ate, palimos po… Dalawang pirasong chocolate cake at isang slice bread.

Tindera: Aba, sosyal ka ha. Nanglilimos ka lng pero may special request pa. Ano ka, sineswerte?!

Batang Pulubi: Haleerrr…. Birthday ko kc ngayon!!



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Payabangan sa Jeep

Payabangan sa Jeep!

Girl: Bayad…

Driver: Ilan tong 50?

Girl: Isa lang kuya, Estudyante, Nursing sa Ateneo, Kasasakay lang

Boy: (Nayabangan. Nagbayad ng 500) Manong Bayad..

Driver: (Galit) Ilan tong 500?

Boy: 1 lang, Keep the change. Seaman, Kadarating lang.

Sira Ulo: (Tumawa, Inabot ang 1000) Manong Bayad…

Driver: (Galit na galit) Peste! Ilan tong 1000?

Sira Ulo: Tatlo, Isama ang Nurse at Seaman. Keep the change. Galing Mental kalalabas lang.


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Makwentang nanay..

Anak: Ma hihingi po ako ng 50 pesos

Mother: 40 pesos? ang laki naman ng 30 pesos! aanhin mo ba ang 20 pesos? Akala mo madaling kumita ng 10 pesos? o heto 5 pesos.


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Patigasan ng ulo contest

Juan, Pedro, Kiko.

Sa isang building na 50 palapag pag gaganapan ang isang laban na pinamagatang patigasan ng ulo.

Announcer: kiko tumalon ka na!

Kiko: okey!
(Blaggggggg)

Announcer: basag ulo talo!
pedro Talon!

Pedro: okey!
(pagaaaaaak)

Announcer: Patay basag ulo Talo!
Juan talon!

juan: ayoko

Annuncer: talon na!

juan: ayoko nga!

Announcer: talon na sabi eh

juan: ayoko sabi!

Annoucer: panalo si juan ang tigas ng ulo!!


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Baliw patigasan ng itits joke

may isang baliw na nang-hostage ng tatlong lalake...

BALIW: papakawalan ko lang kayo kapag 15 inches pataas ang combined na haba ng titi ninyong tatlo

nilabas ni lalake 1 ang titi. 6 inches

nilabas ni lalake 2 ang titi. 8 inches

nilabas ni lalake 3 ang titi. 1 inch

BALIW: umabot kayo sa 15 inches. papawalan ko na kayo

nang makawala na ang tatlo

LALAKE 3: kinabahan ba kayo?

LALAKE 1 & 2: oo, muntikan nang hindi tayo umabot

LALAKE 3: buti na lang tinigasan ako



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Mayabang na japanese joke

A Japanese rides a taxi going to the airport. Along the way, he saw an Isuzu truck

Japanese: Ooh..Isuzu truck, made in Japan. Very fast to run ehh!? (Taxi driver nodding)

Again, the Japanese saw a fast Toyota car..

Japanese: Oooh..Toyota car, made in Japan. Very fast to run!!

Taxi Driver: (whispering) yabang mo..

Japanese again saw a Honda sports car..

Japanese: Ooooh…Oooh.. Honda sports car ehh?!! Made in Japan, very fast run!

Taxi arrives at the airport..

Japanese: How much?

Taxi Driver: 2500 Pesos sir.

Japanese: Ha?!? Very big!!

Taxi Driver: Ahhh, my Taxi Meter, made in Japan.. Very fast to run!!


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Tom Jones Syndrome joke

This guy goes to see his doctor. "Doc," he says, "I've got a problem, every minute of every day I've got that old song, Delilah, running through my head. I catch myself humming it and sometimes singing it in public places. My wife says I even sing it in my sleep, it's driving her nuts. What is the matter with me?"

The doctor replies, "Sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome to me."

"Is it a rare disorder?" the guy asks.

The doctor answers, "It's not unusual.."


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Miss Universe Question and Answer Joke

Miss Universe Question and Answer Joke

Pageant Night Miss Universe Beauty Pageant Q & A Portion
The FINALISTS :

Miss America
Miss Spain
Miss Britain
Miss Philippines
Miss Iran
Miss India
Miss Japan

QUESTION : Ms. America, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MS. AMERICA : Well, I would say that male organs in America are like gentlemen.
QUESTION : Why do you say that?
MS. AMERICA : Because it stands everytime it sees a woman.....

(Applause!.... Applause!)

QUESTION : Ms. Spain, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MS. SPAIN : Male organs in our country are like toros in our very own bullfight.
QUESTION : Why do you say that?
MS. SPAIN : Because it charges everytime it sees an opening.

(Applause!... Applause!)

QUESTION : Ms. Britain, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MS. BRITAIN : Male organs in our country are like Shakespearian actors and Heroes.
QUESTION : Why do you say that?
MS. BRITAIN : Because it cries after every performance and because it is buried alive.

(Applause!... Applause!)

QUESTION : Ms. Iran, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MS. IRAN : Well, I can say that male organs in Iran are like thieves
QUESTION : And why do you say that?
MS. IRAN : Because they always enter through the back door.....

(Applause!... Applause!)

QUESTION : Ms. India, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MS. INDIA : Well, I can say that a male organ in India is like a labourer.
QUESTION : Why do you say that?
MS. INDIA : Because it works day and night....

(Applause!..Applause!)

QUESTION : Ms. Japan, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MISS JAPAN: It's like an actor in a stage play....because it bows down after every performance.

(Applause!..Applause!)

QUESTION : Ms. Philippines, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MS. PHILIPPINES : Ahh...well, opcors, hihihihi...I can say dat male organs in our country are like chismis...
QUESTION : Chismis???
MS. PHILIPPINES : Ayy! Sorry... Its ano, ahh kuwan...it means GOSSIP in our language.
QUESTION : Hmm... Interesting comparison. And why do you say that?
MS.PHILIPPINES : Ayy...Dyahe!!!!Hi hi hi hi hi hi...Kasi....I mean because it passes from mouth to mouth..

(STANDING OVATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Next >> joke with Q & A funny answers

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Debate of Erap and Meriam...

The most intelligent "presidentiable", Miriam Santiago, has challenged the least intelligent presidentiable to a televised
debate.
To make things interesting, Miriam says that every time she asks Erap a question which he cannot answer, Erap has to pay Miriam five pesos. BUT if Erap asks Miriam a question which she cannot answer, Miriam has to giveErap five thousand pesos.

Miriam asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Erap doesn't say a word, reaches for his wallet, pulls out a five-peso bill and hands it to Miriam.

Now, it's his turn. He asks Miriam: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" Miriam looks at him with a puzzled look.
She whips out her laptop computer and searches all her references. She taps into the phone with her modem and searches the Net. Frustrated, she sends E-mails to all her aides, assistants, and friends. All to no avail.

After over an hour, she admits defeat and hands Erap five 1000-peso bills. Erap says nothing, but politely accepts the Ps5,000 and turns away to go home.

Miriam is a poor sport and demands from Erap, "Well, so what IS the answer!?"

Without a word, Erap pulls out his wallet and gives Miriam another five pesos....







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Gay secret relationship

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how handsome John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of Johns' sexual orientation and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mark and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Mark came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Mark, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Mark. But the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

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Milanie Marquez Hilarious Qoutes

Melanie Marquez funny interview

The Best Melanie Marquez Quotes Here're some actual quotes from Melanie Marquez, the former Miss International, also a self confessed Madame Malaprop.

I won't stoop down to my level.

Hello? Bulag ka ba? Bingi ka ba? Are you dep?

My brother is not a girl; he's a gentleman.

That's why I'm a success, it's because I don't middle in other
people's lives.

Don't judge my brother; he's not a book.

Kapatid ko pa rin siya. We are one and the same.

Bakit ang dami mong tanong? You're so questionable.

I don't eat meat. I'm not a carnival.


Yung STD, baka sa maruming toilet lang niya nakuha yan.

Eh, ikaw ba naman, durugin ang ari mo... Pag di ka naman manutok ng baril.

We are lovers, not fighters.

Eto na po ang pinakamaligayang pasko at manigong
taon sa inyong lahat. (during her acceptance speech at a Metro Filmfest awards
night where her bioflick, directed by her late father Temyong Marquez, won an award)

Ang tatay ko ang only living legend na buhay!

Period na talaga; wala nang exclamation point.

Melanie Marquez

(when asked on S-Files if her present husband, Adam Lawyer, is her Mr. Right)

(at a talk show after her break-up with Derek Dee,Melanie was asked if she had some words for Derek's mother, whom she partly blamed for the separation) "O o nga," said Melanie, "pero i-English-in ko para maintindihan niya." She looked into the camera and, with the peremptoriness of royalty, said, "And to you, Mrs Dee, I have two words for you. Ang labo mo!"

Sumasakit ang migraine ko.

(when asked for a message to her daughter who was allegedly abused by their houseboy) "Don't worry little angel, big angel is here."

(on what they should do to the houseboy who molested her kid) "He
should be put behind bar!"

"You can fool me once, you can even fool me twice, you can even fool me thrice. But you can never fool me four!"

(while waiting backstage during a noon time show, after watching Nikki Valdez do her dance number) "Nikki, you're so galing. You should go to the States. You will sell hotcakes!"

ATE LUDS: "Paano ka nag-susurvive sa mga trials mo?" "Alam mo Ate Ludz, you know, when you are alone, you really have to istep your foot...ah ,forward!"

Eddie Mercado: "Angie Dickinson has insured her legs for a million dollars, would you also do the same?"
Melanie: "No, of course no, because I am proud and contented with my long-legged." With this answer, she bagged the crown and eventually won the Miss International in 1978.

(while she's in Morning Girls With Kris & Korina promoting her movie with Aleck Bovick)
"Please watch "Hiram" starring Aleck Baldwin, and myself. It's director by Romy Suzara.

Hindi ba kayo naawa sa kapatid ko... sa mga kwento nya? Di ba kayo na-persuave ng mga kinwento nya?"

"Hindi si Joey ang tipong mambubugbog ng babae...talaga lang malapit sya sa mga gulo... pro-accident kasi sya eh..."

Boy Abunda: O, Melanie, paano na ang showbiz career mo ngayong nagmo-Mormon ka na?
Melanie: Ah okay lang yan Boy, kasi matagal na rin akong semi-retarded..

Oh ano laban ka pa kay Miss Milanie?? haha...

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GMA joke

PGMA  (President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo) and  her family riding an airplane

PGMA: What if I throw one check worth a million pesos out of the window to make at least one pilipino happy?

Mike Arroyo : Honey, why not throw two checks worth half a million pesos to make two pilipinos happy?

Luli Arroyo: Mom, why not throw four checks worth quarter of a million to make four pilipinos happy?

Finally her granddaughter spoke: Grandma why not simply throw yourself out of the window to make all pilipinos happy?

PGMA: Ganun?!

HA HA HA!

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American Joke

American : is that an apple you are eating ?

Filipino: Yes.

American : you know, in america only poor people eat an apple.

Filipino: oh really? is that a banana you are eating ?

American: yes.

Filipino : you know, here in Philippines only Monkeys eat bananas

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